Papa

The past two weeks have been filled with confusion, guilt, sorrow, grief, and shock. I cleaned Papa's house a few months back, and while I was there I realized how much I missed him. I missed the carefree man who was always full of laughter and song. After his wife, my Mimi, passed away in 2002 of emphysema, he began to lose his happiness. It would come and go in waves, and I stopped seeing that smiling face. He replaced that smile with trouble and pain. After having two strokes, Papa in just the shell of what he once was. No longer is he the man that would argue with my mom for at least 20 minutes about giving her money, the one I would sit with in his recliner while watching Jeopardy, or the one that would make Cole and I popcorn every night that we stayed over.
Yesterday, at the hospital, Papa rambled for the most part of our visit. To me, it was a very positive visit. He laughed, he sang along with his music, he told us he was doing wonderful, and smiled for the most part. The doctors want to say that this is all just automatic brain response. I disagree. I know that his body isn't allowing him to communicate in the way that he wants to. But I see so much effort and peace. I look past his face and see my Papa somewhere inside, trying to tell me that I need to make sure I hurry up and get my Christmas list out, or handing me money just because he thinks I need it.
I've already lost my granddad...what he once was. Now I'm just waiting on him to say he's ready. I find some comfort in knowing that he will be with Mimi once again. I can picture her with open arms ready to embrace him again. After 5 years, I'm positive that both are ready to be together again. I love my Mimi and Papa. I always will. December 3, 2005, at Cole and Christy's wedding, Papa hugged me and told me that he loved me. I don't think I'll ever forget that. He hasn't hugged me since I was little. I'm thankful for that. I told him a number of times yesterday that I loved him. I know he hears me...I don't need to hear it back. I could see it in that smile.
I love you Papa