Blah, blech, and blah

So I don't post often. Things have changed a great deal this year. Papa is gone now, and every day I think of him and Mimi and how much I miss them. I'm engaged to a wonderful man and have made some headway in the wedding plans. My mom is engaged also to a wonderful man, and I have never in my life seen her so happy. But, things have changed. Change is good, and most of the change in my life has turned out for the better, but sometimes I wonder why some things have changed for the worse.
I'm not in school this semester, which in all honesty, makes me feel like a total failure. I only have a few semesters left, and I thought with the recent engagement, Papas passing, and all those other unmentionable changes, I would take a semester break. I hate it. I tried to change my job that I was at for 3 years, and that turned out to be pretty much a joke. I couldn't make enough money to pay for my bills and now I am struggling to get back into my old job. Next month I have around a thousand dollars in bills do, and the last thing I want to do is call my mom and ask her for it. She knows that. She knows that I am trying my best to be a successful independent person, but its really hard right now. She knows that I also hate to borrow money, which I rarely ever do. I always try to work for my money, to do something to repay that person for the amount that they gave (if I cannot repay it monitarily). But I also have never asked to have all of my expenses paid for...which is a sum that is too large for me to ask of anyone.
I am ready for Adam and I to have our own home. I've realized that I am ready for that next step, and I'm also ready to get out of the apartment. I'm hoping that in the next few months things will improve, that they will change, for the better. I've been down and out here lately, and I just want to be happy again. I have so much to be happy about, but with financial stressors, being out of school, and not being able to have as much time with my family and Adam as I want, its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.