Tis the Season

This will be a very short and sweet blog. I was just listening to Nat King Cole's "Christmas Song", which puts me in the Christmas mood. A lot goes on this time of year for me, and each years it is a little different. December 15th, will be mine and Adam's 6 year anniversary, and we are having our engagement party the night before. The first Christmas Adam and I spent together, only ten days after dating, was very nice. And for some reason, I just realized that the first Christmas Adam and I enjoyed together, was the last Christmas I would have with all of my family members, just as I've always had Christmas my entire life. Mimi passed away on mine and Adam's one year anniversary, which was very difficult. The following year, my paternal grandfather passed away December 11, four days before our two year anniversary. And this year, Papa is gone. Never take for granted what you seem to value as tradition. It's not the act of going to the same house every Christmas...it's being able to have those same people around you every year.
In the 6 years that Adam and I have dated, gotten engaged, and started planning the wedding we have lost quite a few people.
Mimi, Papa, Pawpaw, Adam's Grandmother, Joe, Kurt
They will all be missed this Christmas.

Blah, blech, and blah

So I don't post often. Things have changed a great deal this year. Papa is gone now, and every day I think of him and Mimi and how much I miss them. I'm engaged to a wonderful man and have made some headway in the wedding plans. My mom is engaged also to a wonderful man, and I have never in my life seen her so happy. But, things have changed. Change is good, and most of the change in my life has turned out for the better, but sometimes I wonder why some things have changed for the worse.
I'm not in school this semester, which in all honesty, makes me feel like a total failure. I only have a few semesters left, and I thought with the recent engagement, Papas passing, and all those other unmentionable changes, I would take a semester break. I hate it. I tried to change my job that I was at for 3 years, and that turned out to be pretty much a joke. I couldn't make enough money to pay for my bills and now I am struggling to get back into my old job. Next month I have around a thousand dollars in bills do, and the last thing I want to do is call my mom and ask her for it. She knows that. She knows that I am trying my best to be a successful independent person, but its really hard right now. She knows that I also hate to borrow money, which I rarely ever do. I always try to work for my money, to do something to repay that person for the amount that they gave (if I cannot repay it monitarily). But I also have never asked to have all of my expenses paid for...which is a sum that is too large for me to ask of anyone.
I am ready for Adam and I to have our own home. I've realized that I am ready for that next step, and I'm also ready to get out of the apartment. I'm hoping that in the next few months things will improve, that they will change, for the better. I've been down and out here lately, and I just want to be happy again. I have so much to be happy about, but with financial stressors, being out of school, and not being able to have as much time with my family and Adam as I want, its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Papa

The past two weeks have been filled with confusion, guilt, sorrow, grief, and shock. I cleaned Papa's house a few months back, and while I was there I realized how much I missed him. I missed the carefree man who was always full of laughter and song. After his wife, my Mimi, passed away in 2002 of emphysema, he began to lose his happiness. It would come and go in waves, and I stopped seeing that smiling face. He replaced that smile with trouble and pain. After having two strokes, Papa in just the shell of what he once was. No longer is he the man that would argue with my mom for at least 20 minutes about giving her money, the one I would sit with in his recliner while watching Jeopardy, or the one that would make Cole and I popcorn every night that we stayed over.
Yesterday, at the hospital, Papa rambled for the most part of our visit. To me, it was a very positive visit. He laughed, he sang along with his music, he told us he was doing wonderful, and smiled for the most part. The doctors want to say that this is all just automatic brain response. I disagree. I know that his body isn't allowing him to communicate in the way that he wants to. But I see so much effort and peace. I look past his face and see my Papa somewhere inside, trying to tell me that I need to make sure I hurry up and get my Christmas list out, or handing me money just because he thinks I need it.
I've already lost my granddad...what he once was. Now I'm just waiting on him to say he's ready. I find some comfort in knowing that he will be with Mimi once again. I can picture her with open arms ready to embrace him again. After 5 years, I'm positive that both are ready to be together again. I love my Mimi and Papa. I always will. December 3, 2005, at Cole and Christy's wedding, Papa hugged me and told me that he loved me. I don't think I'll ever forget that. He hasn't hugged me since I was little. I'm thankful for that. I told him a number of times yesterday that I loved him. I know he hears me...I don't need to hear it back. I could see it in that smile.
I love you Papa

Some People Say I'm a Dreamer

So mom, it's your birthday! And without you, well, I guess I would have never existed. I haven't posted anything in millenia, however today is a momentous day, and cause of celebration. That is, if your method of celebration is in the form of posting blogs. As always, I gloat about my mother, because it is a scientific fact that she just happens to be the Nobel Prize Winner this year for her motherly achievements. She is the epitomy of a role model, my best friend (well, since my others annoy me), and overall someone I can confide in, trust, and get everything in return. I could go on an on about my mom. But all that matters is that she's my mother, and I love her. Because of social stigmatization on women, my mother wishes she looked 20 years young and 20 pounds lighter. Mom, you are the most beautiful person I have ever come across in my 20 years, inside and out. You are also extremely intelligent, and you have so many many years to look forward to. Just imagine all the grandbabies right? HA! "Ode to 45 year olds that people have stopped paying attention to."

Wonder Woman

In the course of 8 years, I have lived with a single mom and an older brother. Whether it be a couple of dollars for gas, a hug when I need it, or a "musical" day to cheer me up, my mother has always been there for me. Sometimes I feel like I cannot do enough to show her how thankful I am that she is my mother. Not only for the things she does for me, but what she has taught me. My mom has taught me to be an independent woman, a goal oriented woman, and an open minded woman. She has shaped and molded me into the woman I have become. I could not picture not having my mother in my life. But with all that she has taught me, I hope it comforts her to know that I will strive to be like her. It is hard to describe the love that I hold for her, yet I wish I could let her know. Mom is determined, bold, loving, hopeful, wonderful, independent, beautiful woman. From day one I have looked up to her in every way, and as a nineteen year old, I still aspire to be like her. She is my mentor, my teacher, my confidant, and my best friend.
I love you mom, and I thank you for all that you have sacrificed and taught me. You are truly an amazing woman.

Taco Bell vs. Taco Hell

Well, as I mentioned in a previous post, I was supposedly beginning my weight loss journey. Turns out, that journey hit a U-turn. . .straight back to Fat City. I get so aggrivated with myself sometimes. I know that at least once, if not twenty times a day, I ask myself, "Why did you do this to yourself?" I have gained around 60 pounds in the past 2 years. And I know that is very unhealthy. I always looked at those individuals who have said they have tried every diet, yet nothing worked--and thought of them as idiots. Diet and exercise, that's how you lose weight. Well, I get very depressed when I look at myself now. One reason being, that I honestly feel I'll never be as small as I used to be. I have tried Weight Watchers, I have tried it all, and I can't seem to stay motivated. My goal seems so unattainable, and I truly feel that I will never be able to lose 60 pounds. I need help. From who or what, I don't know. I get so depressed thinking about it, it almost drives me crazy. I miss the skinny me. This person, me, who was never extremely thin, but never overweight. I miss the funny and happy me that also left along with the skinny me. I am tired of being like this. Tired of being exhausted, tired of being out of shape, tired of being fat. I just don't know if I have the motivation within me to change it. At least I feel like I don't have the motivation, because I'm in it alone. Trapped inside this hideous body that feels like it's not even mine. I want to feel confident, look cute, and be happy with my appearance. I want to do good in school, in work, and have fun with my friends and family. Instead, I feel as if I cannot be the person I wish or strive to be because of my body. I've always heard that you can't love someone else until you love yourself. Well, it's very hard to love yourself when the size of your body seems to control your life.

What's New Pussy Cat?

Well, being that I am a cat lover, I enjoy sitting outside and watching my two cats romp around in the back yard. Yesterday, before heading to work, I decided to wake myself up with a cup of coffee while sitting on the back porch. Max, our one year old tabby, was snoozing under a chair. Now I can't leave our other tom cat unmentioned. Boots seems to think that me and my boyfriend Adam are his biological kitty parents. Anyways, as I sat and watched Max go from a deep sleep to a spastic ADHD like state, I began to think how nice it would be to be a cat for a day. I say one day because I'm sure it would get old pretty fast. Cats are very independent, caring, affectionate animals, and that is why I love them so much. They can be independent when they want to, and have all the love and attention whenever they wish. Roam wherever they please, and bathe in the sun all day. No worrying about what their hair looks like or what to eat that day. . . because they have no choice. Just for a day, being a cat seems as if it would be a mini-vacation from our hectic life. To relax in the sun and sleep all day. Max and Boots are two of a kind.